bfeeding nightmare

i did not have a good experience with breastfeeding. i didn't feel like i was bonding with my baby or "pouring love into him" i felt like i was going to lose my mind. before wilson was born i planned on bfeeding him until he was a year old or close to it. i wanted to put him on my chest right after his birth to let him try to latch on. that didn't end up being an option as he was delivered by emergency c-section and i was put under general anesthesia. things didn't improve after we got to our room. he had trouble latching and the nurses gave me a nipple shield. the worst thing to ever happen to us! i think that exclusively pumping would have worked better for us than feeding with the nipple shield. the nipple shield was a pain to clean before every feeding, it made feeding so messy, painful and stressful. i broke a sweat every time i tried to feed. poor baby wilson had acid reflux which made feeding him even more difficult. the pain never subsided from feeding and thought i might have mastitis. long story short involving the worst nurse practitioner ever i ended up hospitalized for surgery to deal with the aftermath of mastitis and an abscess. my bfeeding journey lasted 8 weeks. i will try again if we are blessed with more children. i think it can be a beautiful, healthy thing. but formula is not evil.

CIO

hearing your baby cry can be heartbreaking. other times i can't help but laugh at the crazy mad faces my little drama king makes. we were spending a long time putting wilson down for naps and at night. we had to make sure he was sound asleep then slowly put him in his crib where i could end up shushing and patting him for another 10 minutes or so. It was a long and exhausting process. I have friends who have let their babies cry it out at 4 weeks old and some who have great sleepers who have never had to cio. our particular child is very intense and i was afraid he'd never be able to cry it out without making himself sick or popping a blood vessel. one day i had spend a solid 40 minutes rocking him and he kept waking himself up. i needed to use the restroom so badly that i figured i'd put him in his crib and he'd be fine, even if crying, for a few minutes. i put him down, he cried. i ran to the restroom. by the time i came back he had stopped crying and was sound asleep. i may be a mean selfish momma, but there are things to be done! bottles to be washed, sleep to be had - by ME! i reassure myself by thinking "what if i didn't hear him crying?" i tried to play a similar mind game with myself if i heard him poop when he was a newborn when he was sleeping with a "what if had been in the other room and didn't hear, i would have no idea and wouldn't wake him to change him" that game never worked as i was more afraid of diaper rash and blowouts. there are times when it's not feasible to let wilson cry it out. but he makes it very clear, very quickly. i don't know if i'm using a particular technique or if i'm ferberizing him. i let him cry 5 min, go in and shush/pat for 1-3 min let him cry 6-7 then 1-3 min shush/pat, 10 min cry - 1-3 min shush/pat. i usually don't have to go in more than 3 times. if i do, it's usually a sign he's not ready.