bfeeding nightmare

i did not have a good experience with breastfeeding. i didn't feel like i was bonding with my baby or "pouring love into him" i felt like i was going to lose my mind. before wilson was born i planned on bfeeding him until he was a year old or close to it. i wanted to put him on my chest right after his birth to let him try to latch on. that didn't end up being an option as he was delivered by emergency c-section and i was put under general anesthesia. things didn't improve after we got to our room. he had trouble latching and the nurses gave me a nipple shield. the worst thing to ever happen to us! i think that exclusively pumping would have worked better for us than feeding with the nipple shield. the nipple shield was a pain to clean before every feeding, it made feeding so messy, painful and stressful. i broke a sweat every time i tried to feed. poor baby wilson had acid reflux which made feeding him even more difficult. the pain never subsided from feeding and thought i might have mastitis. long story short involving the worst nurse practitioner ever i ended up hospitalized for surgery to deal with the aftermath of mastitis and an abscess. my bfeeding journey lasted 8 weeks. i will try again if we are blessed with more children. i think it can be a beautiful, healthy thing. but formula is not evil.